One would think that a traumatic experience is normally caused by someone you were very close to. Truth was- my grandmother was indifferent, stoic and I hardly understood her (culturally, generationally, and a language barrier). By the time I was actually given the opportunity to live with her- my grandmother was dying and her fear of death made her miserable and even a tad bit paranoid. It wasn't until she finally passed that my relationship with her has actually increased.
My grandmother was a full intuitive psychic, a shaman, our clan healer/guide and a matriarch. The community that I grew up in interwove spirituality with culture and life. And yet- those whom were not trained as 'healers' or born into the role, were not encouraged to delve into their own intuitive technology. Much of the ceremonial ritual and knowledge that existed were passed through 'right of passage' events like marriage and typically through patriarchal lineages. With the drastic cultural changes to our community (due to war and PTSD)- families struggled to pass the old ways of teachings down or modernize them to reflect the current times. This caused a rift between my own inner knowing and those beliefs which I was preached. I felt limited and frustrated. It caused me to become a spiritual seeker:
"how do I claim my own spirituality?"
Growing up, the spiritual influence I was most accustomed to is relative to elemental folk magic. Aka: witchcraft, voodoo, paganism, occult... In anthropological terms, it can be termed as 'Animism', which is the belief that everything has spirit and the spirit is unlimited- therefore the honoring of your direct ancestors was important. Though I had to become creative in my endeavors because everyone I spoke to in my community thought my request was silly. How does one even "begin" her spiritual journey if she wasn't looking to be a shaman herself? I started to realize that I could only talk to men in our community about this concern of mines- but I was a 'woman'. Again- 'unmarried and a woman', therefore ineligible to start to practice having my own altar. Creating an alter was a man's role as he is considered the 'owner' of the house in the traditional sense- therefore called 'his' ancestors to come protect the home. Practical. Simple. I get it. But the message was clear. I had to find my own way in secret.
I first started out with an ancestor altar. This tool I understood because my grandmother would often have me help refresh hers. Her alter items were specific and they held many shamanic tools for her rituals. But even though I didn't have anything quite like that available to me, I still set up a small table to honor her. I started finding information on 'eclectic solitaire witches'' and found inspiration there. After some more research, I purchased a white plaster Ganesha off of Amazon. I still remember the moment I evoked the altar with a prayer and offering. A little American Golden Finch perched on my car window and tapped on it to get my attention. I was so amazed and stunned. It was a sign from my ancestors! So I continued to pursue more and became bold with my manifestations and requests to Spirit. This led to learning horoscopes and reading tarot cards. Eventually I became interested in galactic knowledge too.
The New Age information became a chalice of never ending wealth. Which also meant not stumbling upon all the right answers right away either. I started to resonate with information with darker/evil roots which I felt uncanny recognition with. It wasn't until later did I learn where these inclinations came from (past life regression). Nevertheless, we must be careful and discerning when finding what will best serve us. Even though all paths eventually lead to god, they are not all healthy. In my case I dabbled here and there but I wasn't particularly committed to any real practice. I was creating my own Spirituality practice and enjoying the process.
One winter morning while I was saying prayers to my Ganesha statue, I felt him softly communicate with me. "We're done." My heart stopped. "I'm sorry?" I felt a tad bit of annoyance coming through me. I had been working with Ganesha for three years already. Surrendered at this feet and had told him all my happiness and woes. We even went through my Brene Brown journey together! And he was going to abandon me now? "There is going to be a new mentor," he eventually left me with this reply and never spoke to me again.
There were a few weeks of silence from Ganesha as I was on my journey to find a new mentor. Days turned into weeks and I started to get worried. By early 2020 I eventually had a dream of a green skinned female buddha and it turned out that Green Tara was ready to enter my life. Somehow The Sophia Code by Kaia Ra finally ended up in my checkout cart and nothing has never been the same since. This book ushered me right to the door of my mission work with Ayahuasca.
Holy. I have been very fortunate on my path of ascension and I place a lot of gratitude on my grandmother. I know she is always protecting me all this time. She has been a stern, quiet and maternal guide. (I am realizing while on my path that I have an affinity to the mother matrix!) I know she has led me down this path of empowerment. Gently, I still feeling traces of her through out some of my toughest journeys even though she doesn't show herself as often anymore in dreams. I know she is with me and that it enough comfort to usher me forward. It has been quite the path back home. Thank you grandma for all that you have done for me and continue to do for me.
I am truly blessed. I love you.